Empty and Confused

April 2011

It's been more than week since I last saw her in person. Communication is still there. And that's the only thing that makes this relationship alive. I don't even understand myself why I still choose pain instead of happiness. I often reason out that I miss the feeling of hurt and rejection. I never really wanted Jayce to be a part of this pain I want to feel but know what? She's stuck in the middle. As much as I don't want her to be included, situation allows her to be. I hate myself for thinking that things have double meanings. I guess it's my way to remind myself that I can't be too assuming in things.

I asked Jayce (my girlfriend) of what endearment we'll use. I, knowing her past relationships, gave her choices. Two choices. One that we're using for awhile (Husbie and Wifie) and one that she and her past used. I was expecting her to choose ours instead that or her past and I was surprised. Unluckily, she chose that of her past instead of ours. There goes a big rejection. My wish has been granted -- to experience pain. And yes, that was I felt.

I didn't question her on what she chose because in the first place, I made her choose and second, I gave her the choices. 

I was typing a text message in my phone to text everybody what I'm doing. A group message. I quoted rejection phrases and wrote anonymous so that she won't notice. Luckily, she really didn't. She also added that she misses to call me "love ko" which is the endearment of she and her past. Yeah, in that moment, I bean to think that she still loves him. And what right I have? None. I don't have the right to question her feelings and be a dictator to her. I don't want her to be caged by me. I don't want to put handcuffs on her. I don't want to lock her in me.

I just want her to be happy. I know it's not a good thing to think that she doesn't love me but I'd rather be prepared if that time comes. I'm not even lovable. :|

"I AM A COMPLETE REPLICA OF HER PAST."

I guess having the ability and talent in music, sports and academics is not at all a show-off. Especially when you found out that her past is better than you. Yes, I do. I play sports, he plays too. I play the guitar, he plays it too. 

Sometimes, I question myself, "Am I wearing mask?" The mask of her past. So Jayce cannot see me. I get jealous too,you know. But sometimes, I'd rather hide it and keep it in my heart so that she won't notice. 

I'm stupid because I want her to lose her love to me. I want her not to love me so I argue her. I figured out that when I make her angry, at least, her love for me is slowly fading. But sometimes, I try not to. Because when I see her crying, I break down. I don't want to be a reason why she's crying because I want her to realize that I'm not worthy of her tears. Someone deserve her tears better than me. 

I sit, stare at the sunset, and suddenly my hands started working. A pencil on my hand and a paper on my lap. Pain, rejection and hope is the reason why I write poems. Because there are things that is better written than spoken and just left unsaid.

She's one of my inspirations to do things like these. The only talent that I think I can be me. That's somehow a unique division between her past and her present. 

"It is the power of writing."