The Unrequited Part 2

July 2014

Late night thoughts. Still a part of the novel.

1:16 AM

I wasn't in my usual self these last few days. I was out of my mind like shouting words without a sound coming out of my mouth. I am completely aware of what I was doing and was about to do. 

It was quite hard for me waiting for your texts and watching our chat box turn to green. Days turn to weeks, it was hell. For you, this is natural for us to rarely communicate because I'm already taken. For me, it wasn't natural. 

I remember chatting you about nonsense even though you aren't online to read it. I did it just to make you notice me. I got you six messages, one of which lead me to saying that we broke up. Thought that would cheer you up. But deep inside me, I know lying to you wasn't a good idea. We are still together. I just wanted to know your reaction. I also confessed that I miss our late night conversations even though back then, our houses are just a walk apart.

I waited for more than a week for your response. We've gone through the usual conversation. Then you just said that you're going back to our Alma Mater, where you and I met, to get some credentials. I just went there last week, but here I am insisting to accompany you. It was a six-hour drive for you and a mere 2 hours for me. I have no agenda but still, I convinced you to take me instead. Without second thoughts, you agreed. I was happy.

Once again, I felt butterflies in my stomach. That same feeling I was craving for since I met her. No one could make the butterflies flutter better than you. At this point, I was undoubtedly cheating. I even asked you to come home with me so that I could take you to places in my hometown. 

We were already planning the trip. I was getting too excited. Until yesterday, you said something came up. You decided to travel instead on the start of school. You also agreed to come home with me, but looking through my timetable, I won't be available due to Med school's demands. We had the perfect plan, but we don't have time. It was the right opportunity at a wrong time. 

As we continued to exchange messages, my feelings became uncontrollable. I insisted you to make time for me, because I needed to see you. You asked why, but I told you that I have no reason, I just wanted to see you. You didn't respond. I was worried that I have crossed the line. I'm getting paranoid each day. I wanted to apologize, but what for? I didn't hurt you. I just...betrayed our friendship. 

Someday I wanted to tell you that I was always in love with you. I'm willing to take risks, go for that extra mile just to see you. I want to show much I would give up for you. As for her, it happened when she came at that time when I was looking for love. When I was desperately begging for attention and kinda missing the feeling of being in love. 

I am torn between my happiness and commitment. 

Somehow, I managed to find out the answer. If I really do love her, I won't be fumbling my way back to you. But I did. I am in love with you all these years. 

No, you're not solely the reason why I cannot go on with my life with her. 

I am the problem. 

She was a victim of my selfishness.

The Unrequited Part 1

July 2014 

This is a part of the novel I was working on.

A message for you:

12:36 AM

I don't know if I should feel this. I'm in a relationship now but I still think of you. I don't want to hurt her but I'm hurting too.

I can't remember a thing or two when we first met. I just know we have the same classes. You were just one of my friends. But things started to shift differently when we started spending a lot of time together. I can't deny that I -- am slowly falling for you. 

I miss you. Those spontaneous lunch and dinner "dates" at any restaurant we wanted to try. Those impulsive ideas to visit areas around the city, especially when we spent the whole day acting like tourists. Those long walks heading home after a sumptuous dinner, and those occasions meant to be celebrated by a couple (but we did). Those times when I had to wait for you outside your classroom until 7 pm, so as we could eat dinner together. We were almost inseparable. After we bid our goodbyes for the day, we immediately talk through text messages. We talked about anything and everything. And for two years, I didn't mind spending lunch or dinner with you every single day. We order different dishes so as we could try both. Same is true with the beverages and dessert. I didn't mind using your fork, you also didn't. Sometimes, when we go out, I only have my wallet with me because I know, I can always place it in your bag. And if you're tired, I get to carry your shoulder bag even though I look crazy. 

We were often mistaken as a couple by our close friends, actually. But we dodged these speculations and act as if we don't care. I cared. I wanted us to be a couple. 

I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I was too scared confessing my feelings that it may cost our friendship. I was fully aware that you like somebody else. Now that he's got his special someone, I did feel your pain. I know how much you sacrificed for this guy. I was so jealous of him. Now that I am committed and not to you, I still wanted you. 

I wanted to tell you everything. That I love you and I miss you. I'm not cheating on her. I just wanted a closure for both of us. I wanted to be honest with you, for two years you had been my confidante, my closest friend, and the greatest antagonist of my life. I know you gave me advice just to steer me away from mistakes. I love you for that. Even though you are the epitome of expressionless and neutrality, I sometimes felt that you've had repressed feelings for me buried deeply within your heart. You were saddened when I was committed into a relationship. We both know it was too fast, too sudden that I paired up with someone whose name I barely heard. 

You were worried that we won't be able to have lunch or dinner together. I felt that you hated her. You didn't want her to come at our planned lunch meets. You were clearly jealous, and I was so dumb not to realize it. From the time you went with us to drink at a local pub, you felt the need to guard me in case something happens. The second drinking session, you were around too. And I was surprised that you still came when you had so many things to do and a report due the next morning. You were with me the whole time. You wanted me to be safe so went with me. It was 1 AM when we headed home. You were still awake 3 AM that day working on your unfinished requirements. I have never been so honored in my life. 

Now, I can't think of words to say to you. But believe me, I was truly, madly, deeply in love with you. And if I wasn't committed, maybe I have had followed you and worked there, just as you suggested. I would've waited for one year before starting med school for you. But things wasn't mean to be. You were my everything.

I will forever treasure our moments. I am so lucky to have spent most of that two years with you and how happy I am to meet and love someone secretly like you. 

You'll always be my Robin.

A forever friend that still loves you secretly, 

Ted