The Unrequited Part 1

July 2014 

This is a part of the novel I was working on.

A message for you:

12:36 AM

I don't know if I should feel this. I'm in a relationship now but I still think of you. I don't want to hurt her but I'm hurting too.

I can't remember a thing or two when we first met. I just know we have the same classes. You were just one of my friends. But things started to shift differently when we started spending a lot of time together. I can't deny that I -- am slowly falling for you. 

I miss you. Those spontaneous lunch and dinner "dates" at any restaurant we wanted to try. Those impulsive ideas to visit areas around the city, especially when we spent the whole day acting like tourists. Those long walks heading home after a sumptuous dinner, and those occasions meant to be celebrated by a couple (but we did). Those times when I had to wait for you outside your classroom until 7 pm, so as we could eat dinner together. We were almost inseparable. After we bid our goodbyes for the day, we immediately talk through text messages. We talked about anything and everything. And for two years, I didn't mind spending lunch or dinner with you every single day. We order different dishes so as we could try both. Same is true with the beverages and dessert. I didn't mind using your fork, you also didn't. Sometimes, when we go out, I only have my wallet with me because I know, I can always place it in your bag. And if you're tired, I get to carry your shoulder bag even though I look crazy. 

We were often mistaken as a couple by our close friends, actually. But we dodged these speculations and act as if we don't care. I cared. I wanted us to be a couple. 

I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I was too scared confessing my feelings that it may cost our friendship. I was fully aware that you like somebody else. Now that he's got his special someone, I did feel your pain. I know how much you sacrificed for this guy. I was so jealous of him. Now that I am committed and not to you, I still wanted you. 

I wanted to tell you everything. That I love you and I miss you. I'm not cheating on her. I just wanted a closure for both of us. I wanted to be honest with you, for two years you had been my confidante, my closest friend, and the greatest antagonist of my life. I know you gave me advice just to steer me away from mistakes. I love you for that. Even though you are the epitome of expressionless and neutrality, I sometimes felt that you've had repressed feelings for me buried deeply within your heart. You were saddened when I was committed into a relationship. We both know it was too fast, too sudden that I paired up with someone whose name I barely heard. 

You were worried that we won't be able to have lunch or dinner together. I felt that you hated her. You didn't want her to come at our planned lunch meets. You were clearly jealous, and I was so dumb not to realize it. From the time you went with us to drink at a local pub, you felt the need to guard me in case something happens. The second drinking session, you were around too. And I was surprised that you still came when you had so many things to do and a report due the next morning. You were with me the whole time. You wanted me to be safe so went with me. It was 1 AM when we headed home. You were still awake 3 AM that day working on your unfinished requirements. I have never been so honored in my life. 

Now, I can't think of words to say to you. But believe me, I was truly, madly, deeply in love with you. And if I wasn't committed, maybe I have had followed you and worked there, just as you suggested. I would've waited for one year before starting med school for you. But things wasn't mean to be. You were my everything.

I will forever treasure our moments. I am so lucky to have spent most of that two years with you and how happy I am to meet and love someone secretly like you. 

You'll always be my Robin.

A forever friend that still loves you secretly, 

Ted